Young Grasshopper

Scripture:

“But the men who had gone up with [Caleb] said, ‘We are not able to go up against the people, for they are too strong for us.’”  - Numbers 13:31

Observation:

God didn’t tell Moses to send the spies to determine whether or not God would allow them to conquer the land. Long before spies were sent, God had already determined and promised it to the Israelites. Though the spies had seen huge blessings, they allowed fear to change their perspective and faith in God’s promises. As soon as fear entered, suddenly their faith wavered and they began exaggerating the challenges they’d have to face to make Canaan their own.

Application:

I’m way too quick to forget God’s good character and His promises that have always come true. As soon as my eyes turn inward, down from His face and the goodness He gives, I become afraid, self-conscious of my inadequacies…a “grasshopper in [my] own sight and the sight of the others” (vs. 33). I want to be like Caleb—though I see the challenges, take confidence in God’s promises even when everyone else focuses on limitations.

Prayer: God, please let me be fully confident in Your promises. Forgive me for focusing on my gigantic fears and lack of faith instead of the size of the fruit You give to Your children. Keep me from missing out on Your goodness in my fear…let me walk into Your will for my life unafraid, knowing that You have promised mercy all the days of my life. 

Affirmed

I have to be super cautious every time I post a blog or tweet. Sound silly? It's a major heart check every time I post something, then catch myself constantly checking the feedback others leave for my hungry soul. It's as if it's about me and my simple words, not on actually communicating what the Spirit was speaking to me…and so…sometimes I have to choose to not say anything at all.

May the words written here bring all the glory and honor to Jesus Christ and not to myself.

I am learning how many of my problems are rooted in a deep longing for affirmation.  It’s that reassurance that I have a unique purpose for existence, a validation of my personality, that I’m not a total lost cause. It can become a false sense of stability in my life, a security blanket of support. Worth and value are HUGE to me. And it can be a real problem when the people around me don’t satisfy that craving (as they are bound to).

Over the last five months, I’ve discovered something crazy. God could easily have taken one look at the murder/lust/greed of His creation and left us to our own destruction…but instead, He reaffirmed, again and again, His love for you and His love for me. Unending, unchanging.  No amount of encouraging words could ever make up for the way He draws me in.

His affirmation is covenant, not simply compliment. He rejoices over us; He is not content with us halfheartedly knowing His love and affection.

He offers unique purpose, a reason for being. He is the only real stability, the only confirmation we really need. There is a place for encouraging words within the Church, but God ultimately draws us back to Himself with the sweetest words written:

“You will be called by an new name which the mouth of the Lord will designate. You will also be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord…it will no longer be said to you, ‘Forsaken’, nor to your land will it any longer be said, ‘Desolate’; but you will be called, ‘My delight is in her’…for the Lord delights in you, and to Him your land will be married…as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so your God will rejoice over you.” (Isaiah 62:2-5)

Lord, I ask You to bring balance to this need. Show me how fulfilling it is to have Your affirmation of me…not looking for that in others, through how I present myself publically to my longings for a job that makes others proud of me to my cries for attention from others. Teach me to walk with open hands, to let go of this longtime habit and to receive all the love and affection You have, even for me.

Blade Runner

Honestly, I can't even bring myself to carry a pocketknife. If I really needed to, I would bring out my serious kickboxing skills and kick some attacker's butt. But the truth is, I need to learn to use a sword on a frequent basis.

“Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil…put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take up the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”
(Ephesians 6:10-17, NLT) 

The only piece of the armor of God that is meant for true offense is the sword, the Word of God as inspired by the Holy Spirit. The rest is for defense, protection, and confidence. You can't really take ground with a helmet, but you're not going to do well without one, either. You can't destroy the enemy with a shield of right living alone, but you better not advance into the line of fire without it. I can take ground offensively by using God's Word, even if I have to remind myself out loud. I speak truth into my situation by reminding myself (and all who will listen) that:

-My life isn't a mystery to God (Jeremiah 29:11).

-God hears me from even the lowest point and has compassion; He is more than the most comprehensive caseworker, because He's the judge, too (Lamentations 3:55-8).

-He satisfies my needs beyond the basics. He gives me not just a scrap to keep me alive, but instead leads me to beautiful places of rest (Psalm 23:2).

-The Lord can and DOES speak to women (yes, this is a big deal to me! Genesis 25:23, etc.). Like Rahab, God uses even girls with messy pasts for a purpose and plan (Joshua 2).

-God isn't about a fear/religion-based culture, but sent Jesus to bring power, love, and discipline (2 Timothy. 1:7).

-He offers more than our past, but gives newness of life through Jesus (Romans 6:4). Also, He doesn't show favorites at all, but offers this gift to even the worst of sinners (Rom. 2:11).

-I am NOT a slave to sin, even when it feels like I'm trapped. I'm free because Jesus offered me a way out (Romans 6:7).

-Even in life-or-death situations, impossible walls, certain failure, God can keep me from death (Daniel 6:23).

-I can do everything He's told me to do (even local evangelism and missions in Amsterdam, you name it) through His strength and grace (Philippians 4:13).

-Gossip and shame are no match for the words He speaks over you and I (Isaiah 58:8-11).

-Peace is available and will guard my heart, thanks to Jesus (Philippians 4:7).

-I am complete and lacking nothing, because of His grace (Colossians 2:10).

I'm aware that I'm not dealing with the daily grind alone, but rather in a much larger struggle for my allegiance and love. Will I allow myself to be easily swayed from one battle line to the other side, or will I stand firm in the confidence of my salvation and take ground through speaking truth into my situation? I can fight with all the examples of Jesus' character (and therefore the Father's) that are shown throughout His lifetime on earth. He provides, He cares for the hurting, He came to give healing and rescue. Those are the best kind of responses to attacks, the best way to come against anything that brings me close to defeat.

Afraid Not

I find it slightly funny that I'm attempting to write about fear in the darkness of my unfamiliar hotel room in a little city in Oregon. This isn't quite how I'd envisioned my post-college life. As unplanned as it is, I'm amazed at the courage I've felt in the last month, especially--from traveling alone through Oregon and California to speaking in front of large crowds, the things that I used to fear don't even faze me anymore.

When I was younger, I used to be terrified of down escalators (c'mon, have YOU ever ridden the ones into the Washington DC subway system? You'd be scared too!). My fears generally involve throwing up (which explains my aversion to multiple-looped roller coasters), falling (skydiving probably isn't my thing), and disappointing others. It's that last one that really gets me in trouble, though.

According to my constant Bible-study-companion, Merriam-Webster, fear is: anxious concern, loss of courage, and anticipation of danger. It's dread and trepidation, the reluctance, timidity, and hesitancy to face or meet a person/situation. Gross.

It was a harsh, but very needed, reminder when I realized how far that fear of disappointing others has alienated me from God and the people I love most. In the same way that I avoid situations where people may not approve of me and my insufficiencies or inadequacies, I avoid coming to the Savior when I need Him the most, afraid that He will be disappointed again in my sins and failures.

Instead, I cover my face, ashamed and afraid to look in the eyes of the One who died to break my fear of the punishment for my sins. And yet, "We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us...perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment and the one who fears is not perfected in love." (1 John 4:17-18)

His love is the answer to my fear. I deserve extreme punishment for the way I break His heart, yet when I return to my knees before His act of dying for my sins, I'm free. He has taken my fear of disappointing Him and broken it. He sees Jesus' face instead of my own tear-streaked one. He sees the perfection of His Son, not my inadequacies. He loves the girl who is much-afraid, but He wants to trade my little fears for the confidence that comes from knowing Him intimately.

When I'm afraid, I will out my trust in You, Lord. Your love is changing me from the deepest part of my heart outwards--no more do I have to tremble in the fear that my weaknesses will be discovered. You know me deeply, yet You love me, fears and all. You proved it on the cross--Your love is perfect, and leaves no room for my fear.

Trusting the Shepherd

I've been learning a lot lately about trusting God's voice, letting Him put boundaries around me, and allowing Him to hold me and be my only comfort. It's a lot more than a blanket statement of "God...bless this situation", but daily seeking Him to lead and guide every decision, and trusting His heart and motives when He tells me to stay in a certain place. It's asking Him to truly be the Shepherd.

Shepherd? As in sheep? Yep. So often, I forget that He's willing to speak loud and clear if I am willing to listen...so I wander off, distracted by an open gate with greener grass on the other side. How beautiful to read God's words in Ezekiel 34: "I will feed My flock and I will lead them to rest, declares the Lord God. I will seek the lost, bring back the scattered, bind up the broken, and strengthen the sick...I will make a covenant of peace with them." 
This chapter is all about God's desire to restore His flock of sheep (ignorant people, but still those whom He loves and cares for constantly). I am walking out a season where I've been uncertain of who to trust, but I can truly take confidence in knowing the Shepherd's voice. Jesus, knowing what Ezekiel said, refers to Himself as the Shepherd, too: 
"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow Me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch them away from Me, for My Father has given them to Me, and He is more powerful than anyone else." 
{John 10:27-29} 

My Shepherd, I have a tendency to wander off from You, just like a sheep...but I long for You to bring me back into that safe place that You create for Your flock. Thank You for loving not out of an obligation, but because You delight in giving a safe place out of the goodness of Your perfect heart. The last three months have been dry and painful, full of wandering and wondering that I brought upon myself by ignoring Your voice, but this sheep wants to come back to Your blessing.

Bring me back, God. I'm dirty, lost, and hurting, but I know there is restoration in knowing Your call and choosing to put my full trust in You. Thank You for leading me to places of safety and healing.

Little miracles

I'm pro at making food stretch. Trust me. As a recent college graduate who will be paying off loans for the next five years, I know how to have a food budget of $20 a month...let's just say it's amazing what you can do with a box of brown rice and an avocado.

One combination I've never mastered is fish and bread, though. When I read about Jesus making seven loaves of stale bread and a couple of unrefrigerated trout feed a hungry crowd, I realize how much I have left to learn. 

"The disciples said to Him, 'Where would we get so many loaves in this desolate place to satisfy such a large crowd?' And Jesus said to them, 'How many loaves do you have?' And they said, 'Seven, and a few small fish.' And He directed the people to sit down on the ground; and He took the seven loaves and the fish; and giving thanks, He broke them and started giving them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. And they all ate and were satisfied, and they picked up what was left over of the broken pieces, seven large baskets full."
(Matthew 15:33-37, NASB) 

Notice that Jesus asks how many loaves are available...I get the sense that He knew the exact patch of earth where the wheat was grown for those loaves, but wanted to check His disciples' hearts for availability. It wasn't about the number of fish in their fanny packs, but about whether or not they trusted Him enough to give Him everything and let Him make it worthwhile. 

So is it about whether or not I have every skill known to mankind? Does it really matter whether or not I am perfect at speaking or writing or have every financial option available to me? Nope. It's whether or not I'm willing to give up my fish and bread (that He gave me in the first place) and let HIM do the multiplying and the blessing. The disciples were the ones who had a limited perspective of what could be done. They're quick to assure Jesus that the fish are small, clearly not enough to stretch and satisfy anyone else. I'm quick to tell Jesus that what I have is too small for Him to use for blessing others, and yet He asks for it all anyway. 

So thank Him as you offer the little you have. I have nothing, but as He breaks it, it blesses other people and somehow, there are more leftovers than there were original offerings. 

Jesus, I trust You with the resources that are limited in my own eyes. Skills, money, time? I don't seem to have any by earthly standards, but You're in the business of multiplying out of nothing. Thank You for using my little for Your miracles. 

Jesus' Face

I think one of the best things in the world is seeing someone's face show genuine joy. Not forced smiles, but real expressions of what's going on inside. I like seeing Chris smile when he unwraps a birthday present from me and I like seeing baby Isaiah's openmouthed grin. But the best thing? Knowing that there is love and approval on a face I have not yet fully seen.

"You see, we don't go around preaching about ourselves. We preach that Jesus Christ is Lord.... For God, who said 'Let there be light in the darkness,' has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ." 
{2 Corinthians 4:5-6}

Think about how much emotion a face can show. Consider the sweet contentment on the faces of old couple as they rest in the knowledge that they love each other. Crows feet. Big grins. Laugh lines. A one-sided dimple, in my case. :) How much more was God's heart expressed through the face of Jesus when He was physically present on earth? Now that Jesus is with the Father, I may not have a perfect picture of His every feature, but I have the confidence that He is delighted in me because I have made Him the center of my world. 

You and I are now His face on earth....now that we have His love, His glory, His mercy within us, it's our responsibility to show it well to others. Not putting on a false face, but truly expressing His heart to others.

The same God who created everything from palm trees to the planets gave us a way to interact with His other creations. The same God who made the distinction between lightness and darkness is the One who gave us a way to understand His heart better through a physical face.

Jesus, I can't wait to see the love on Your face one day. Let my face also express the light that You've put in my heart with Your presence...just as the Father was expressed through Your face, may Your character been clearly visible through mine. 

Lovesick

Funny how many definitions and uses we have for love now. I catch myself saying “I love this song!” when I hear Katy & Kanye on the radio. I find myself saying “I love your laugh, Christine!” to one of the girls at youth group, and then I write about my love for the Lord in my journal late that night. Oh really? DO I love all of these things…do I love any of them? Do I even know what love is? 

“Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.” 

{1 Corinthians 13:13, NLT}

Love is the most important, because we first experienced it through the indwelling Christ, the One who lives and moves in our hearts. My love for others is expanded and matured the more in tune I am with the Lord. This isn’t a “I love your shirt” kind of love. It’s agape, unconquerable, selfless, whole love that demands I put others before myself.

As I give up my own way and rights (as if I had any to begin with!) and put others ahead of my interests, though I technically lose my freedom, I gain real freedom in Christ. By His grace, His mercies that redeem us, we are set into motion expressing the pure love we have received. I have chosen to throw off the old way I lived and lose my “freedom” to find true freedom in loving and living like Christ.

I can genuinely feel my neighbor’s hurts; I can understand the way a family member reacts to certain things. I’m still sinful and they’re still human, but this new freedom changes everything about how we respond. Will I continue to cling to thinking I can have my way and still halfheartedly love others? Or will I give up this illusion of being own person and instead surrender to living a life that expresses God…and be there to receive the blessings of real love?

What is this feeling? It’s being lovesick. Doing things differently because of our extreme love for another. So much in love that we do things totally differently. Radically unheard-of actions. We give up living our lives because we are only capable of thinking about one person—what if I become lovesick because I have had a glimpse of the perfect purity of Jesus’ love?

This kind of agape love is contagious—it encourages others to also be more like Christ. It demands that I honor men with how I dress and act. It requires me to open my arms to young women, because I NEED them to be in Heaven someday. It means listening when I’m tired, supporting and loving even when I’m empty. To really love someone, I have to be fully aware of how much love I have received from the Lord.  

Fill me with passion for Your love that defines it all, Lord. Don’t let me cheapen the gift of real love by applying it without care or delicacy. Make my definition of love be founded on what I’ve experienced from Your presence in my life. 

Learning from Elisabeth

I’m going to be completely transparent here for a second: the last time I picked up a copy of Passion and Purity, I’m pretty sure I chucked it at the wall about seven pages into the introduction. Three minutes into reading, I knew Elisabeth Elliot (as in Jim Elliot, as in The End of the Spear) was absolutely out of her mind.

From pages of her journal copied into the book, I read her stories of falling in love in a Greek class, then the ups and downs of that relationship with Jim, from not talking for months to a single letter from Ecuador…their relationship stressed me out. So I relegated the book to the very back of my bookshelf and promptly wrote it off as being another cliché book for single Christian women. There are so many books that seem to say the exact same thing, never really getting to the heart of the issue, and I thought Passion and Purity was probably going to be just another one of those. 

Three years later, I can’t seem to put it down. How does something that I couldn’t begin to connect with before suddenly become so beautifully relevant? With nearly every page, there was something Elisabeth wrote that struck me, particularly about surrender and what it truly means to be pursued. You might be gagging on those words (as I was the last time I read them), but I cannot express how timely and God-given they are to me at the moment. The ups and downs of constant surrender of a romance to the Lord, the difficulty of patience and graciousness amidst confusion, the struggle to remain wholly open to God’s will for our lives—it’s all there. It’s amazing to me how God could use a relationship that began in 1948 and a copy of a book printed in 1982 to speak into me in 2011. I know the desire for total surrender of innermost heart issues and how difficult it can be to really and truly lay it down at God’s feet. I identify with the hundreds of Elisabeth’s pages that all seem to echo my words, crying, “Lord, let me be surrendered enough that I would give [him] up if You asked me to” on nearly every page of my journal.

I have a renewed determination to not be the pursuer, to wait patiently, to pray consistently, and to always realize that any relationship hardly matters in comparison with the relationship I have with my “Eternal Lover”, as Jim Elliot put it. All else dims in the light and purity of my response to God’s love for me. He is more than the incredible gifts of being Savior and Friend…He is the love of my life, the One I desire more than anyone on earth, the completion of my longings, and He is calling me, drawing me into His heart.

Lord, may the reassurance I have in Your love for me be enough to let go, to open my heart wide to Your plans for us. 

My delight

It's amazing that though I am a part of the most perfect relationship ever, I sometimes lose my focus on the Lord because of other things that become my daily sources of joy, the people/things that make me happy, the things I look forward to. But this morning, I found a moment at a quiet Starbucks to read Psalm 37 anew:

“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will do it.” {37:3-5, NASB}

Notice a few things: we’re only told to live in the land, but told to cultivate (work hard and conscientiously to develop) faithfulness. We must delight in the Lord. Delight means taking joy, extreme satisfaction, and utmost fulfillment in something. When I delight completely in the Lord, when my pleasure comes from making Him happy, I can trust His personality and character enough to give Him my innermost hopes and desires. He blesses those who make His name their foremost source of joy.

One of my favorite songs right now is Cory Asbury’s “Psalm 18”, (another incredible chapter) which says: “You deliver me, for You delight in me; I am Your beloved one…” Those words always strike my heart—the beautiful reminder of how God thinks about you and I and this desire bubbling in me to throw my life, at any cost, before my King.

Sometimes I get wrapped up in earthly things, tied down by what seems so vital in this life. There is nothing wrong with smiling back at someone else or rejoicing at the unexpected patch of non-gray sky in January, but if my delight, my extreme satisfaction, is in someone else or in the world that surrounds me, I’ve missed the point entirely.

I have focused on the diluted joy and happiness of earth at times, forgetting that these things, as wonderful as they are, are no match for the delight of right relationship with Jesus Christ, the One who delights in us.

It almost seems arrogant to say that the God who imagined (and created with a single breath) things like sunrises and sunsets, hummingbirds and crystal-clear blue ocean waves is somehow delighted in me. He likes my five feet and almost three inches, two freckles on my nose, and breathless laugh. He takes pleasure in seeing how I love Him and how I can’t help but enjoy the fall leaves and warm hugs.

My God, I know that I don’t deserve this love in the slightest, yet I cannot function without it. May my heart respond to Your romance, Lord—I hear You calling me, Your beloved one, and I want nothing more than to run and find You in Your dwelling place. I will not allow anything or anyone else to take away from the complete joy of serving You and experiencing Your love.

Jesus, You alone are my delight. 

Though the way seems dim...

I begin another new step in my life this upcoming Saturday morning. After much (and by much I mean a whole lot of nudging from the Lord and one giant-feeling but realistically tiny step of obedience on my part), I begin my first class at Life Ministry Institute, the first of many steps of faith into this thing called post-college life. It’s definitely not as rash of a decision as it might sound, but rather the first external sighting of something much deeper the Lord’s been doing in my heart lately.

It’s all about obedience, my friends.

I am so often the Jonah in the story, clearly hearing God’s voice but running the opposite way in fear of what mankind will think of me. Yes, I realize that LMI is at the undergraduate level, that it will require hard work and more financial sacrifices, but I also see the incredible value in just being obedient and moving ahead, even when it seems slightly crazy.

In thinking about what I should write about all of this obedience stuff, I was hunting down an old journal entry I’d written about it. While I didn’t find the entry I was looking for, this little gem turned up:  

“October 11^th, 2008:

Seriously…have been praying about switching majors for so long. I don’t feel RIGHT about where I’m at right now—I have passion for school, for this place, but I don’t have any peace about where my life is headed…honestly, if I could do anything, I would study more religion and then move to Life Pacific College or something [editor’s note: yes, I quite literally said “Holy Moses!” when I saw that line yesterday. I also have absolutely no memory of writing it…] I am wanting Your guidance, Lord! I want to trust You, Father. Please help me know what to do…”

If that’s not a sign of God’s grace, I don’t know what is. Over two years ago, I wrote, rather pleadingly, to the Lord, asking for His direction and His grace as I felt the tug on my heart to the Word and to His Church, yet felt trapped by my own narrow vision of God and His plans. At the time, I was so young, so unsure, so distracted in my faith, yet here I am, two years, one month, and 11 days later, starting to move in the very direction that I cried out to Him about. It hasn’t been easy, and yes, it has required tons of trust and obedience, believing that God is good and has a plan, even when the next step seems so dimly lit and on unstable ground, choosing to do what I know He put in my heart to do. Did I mention that LMI is essentially an offshoot of Life Pacific, allowing me to study the Bible and eventually be a candidate for an international Foursquare pastoral license? Holy Moses, indeed.

While I don’t know precisely where I’ll end up, whether doing pastoral care, outreach, or even international missions, I sense (and have sensed for a very long time) that I’m on the brink of something major, and I’m taking faithful steps accordingly. Yes, things are wrapping up for me in Kirkland and in my personal life, and I cannot wait to see God’s plans. Even if it takes two years before I can look back, I’m edge-of-my-seat excited to see His will unfold. I believe there are blessings when we are obedient and primarily set on seeing His plans be accomplished for this life, so as I move (albeit hesitantly and with much trembling) into the things I know He’s called me to, I’m expecting incredible miracles to take place. Yes, it will require some moves that appear risky, but I know that if I am faithful to Him in these little things in my life, that He will guide me exactly into the purposes He has had for me from the start.

I open these shaking hands, surrendering the things I hold so closely now, and await, open handed, the blessings He will bring into my life as I step out to obey and serve Him.  

“…You will know that I am the Lord; those who hopefully wait for Me will not be put to shame.” {Isaiah 49:23}

Spare change?

While brushing my teeth this morning (my best thoughts always happen when I have a mouthful of minty foam), I made a resolution. Either that, or I'm having a quarter-life crisis.

On second thought, it's probably the latter option.

I'm in desperate need of a change. If I really do get into grad school, I'm exchanging my diamond stud for a completely hardcore, totally legit nose ring, and maybe even dying my hair for the first time. Yeah, I'm a daredevil.

As half-joking as I am about the changes to my face, change has been on my mind lately. I'm happy to say that as of this morning, I'm 16 pounds lighter since September 1st, and committed to a lot more. Why am I just now getting serious about nutrition and fitness? Well, my friends, that's a really good question. It's not that I'm a completely lazy person--I LIKE getting up in the mornings, tying my shoes and getting out the front door. I enjoy the gym and cooking healthy meals...

But sometimes, I'm comfortable with not changing.

It's true. And it's not just limited to minimal exercise or food with so-so nutritional value...I'm like that with my walk with the Lord. I have all of the tools, just like I have the legs and maybe even some stretchy pants (insert Nacho Libre reference here) with which to run. I have the incredible gift of a Redeemer in Christ Jesus and a support system of His kids that I've found in the Church as a whole, not to mention His love letters to me and a constant reminder of His reality in the Holy Spirit. But if I have all those things and yet do not seek an authentic life change, a deeper knowledge and love of Him, then I will forever stay apathetic, not living and loving the way I've been called to.

I think one of the greatest lies we can be told is that we are incapable of change. The Enemy would love (love!) to keep us content with complacent, meaningless lives that don't fulfill the true purposes we've been given. But I'm rebelling against that meaningless mentality, and not just by adding a small piece of metal to my face--I choose to seek out a deeper, more authentic way of being alive in Christ.

Change is a good and beautiful thing. God, continue to grow and move me, especially at this crazy time in my life. How desperately I long for a deeper relationship with You and a truly changed heart. Continue to run alongside me as I explore this changed life that You've given me.

speaking up

As the students that started in the first wave, like me, are beginning to pack up and return to their respective corners of the country for school, I’m realizing that in less than a month, I’m moving back to Seattle for my senior year of college. There is an uncomfortable feeling inside of me, though, as I think back on the last two years of Northwest and realize that I’m still dissatisfied.

Dissatisfied? How can that be? If I can be honest, there is more than a tinge of remorse in me that I haven’t made a more lasting or sustainable impression on the community, both on and off campus.

It’s time for Northwest to wake up. I can speak for myself and say that I’m really done with my dulled Christianity, my ignorance of what goes on in the world, my lackluster response to the needs of the immediate community and the rest of the world. I know we’re busy. I know it’s tough to keep morale, bank account balances, and GPAs high at the same time, but there are still ways to love on hurting people. We HAVE to care for orphans and widows, to bless teen mothers and unemployed parents, to reach out to those who never had the chance to attend school, to extend a hand to the hungry and confused.

It’s still a work in progress, but I’ve been sensing lately that I’m supposed to speak out, to advocate, to be a voice (and believe me, I'm much more comfortable with a pen than a microphone in my hand). I’ve been checking out some opportunities, and I feel strongly that I need to be moving forward with advocacy and activism on campus. I may not be as captivating to listen to as others, but I’m willing to work on it so that others will have the opportunity to learn and grasp the same reality that I’ve experienced at World Vision. Praise God that He can still use me for something good in this next year, even though I held out for so long.

I’m finishing up my time in this internship, but I know that I won’t be able to return to school the same way I was last year. I probably repeat myself too often, but it’s amazing—once you’ve seen the magnitude of the world’s pain and poverty, you can’t go back. My mind’s been a little preoccupied this week with preparing the Christian Witness information for the release of the new campaign, and lots of other exciting new things (by the way…I can’t say anything, but there’s a newly confirmed partnership that is going to absolutely shake things up, and I can’t wait for when it goes public!). I need to get back to a microfinance meeting and finishing a project for sponsorship, but I’ll leave with a verse that’s been taped to the wall of my cube this last week:

“The Lord spoke to Paul in a vision and told him, ‘Don’t be afraid! Speak out! Don’t be silent! For I am with you, and no one will attack and harm you, for many people in this city belong to me.’”
{Acts 18:9-10 NLT}

poverty of the soul

I’ve been thinking a lot about poverty lately. Poverty is all around us, but I honestly don’t think I’ve ever stopped to really grasp the magnitude of it. How on earth can 40% of all humans be living on absolutely nothing when several billion more are living in relative splendor?

I’m reading an incredible book on poverty right now, called When Helping Hurts: How to Alleviate Poverty without Hurting the Poor, by Steve Corbett and Brian Fikkert, and let me tell you, there is a lot of truth in what the authors write. See, poverty is much more than just not having cash in your bank account. The book cites examples that show factors like physical limitations, lack of security, problems in social relationships, and many other aspects that one rarely considers a part of being poor.

Poverty is life-threatening. Poverty is crippling. And poverty can be a misnomer. Poverty isn’t just about dollars or Euros or rupees. It also involves being separated from what should be our rights as humans, to safety, to dignity, to things I take for granted on a daily basis.

So what is our response supposed to be, as Christians? We have to be committed to a holistic model of healing poverty. Yes, we MUST give even when it means going without. But we also have to be passionate about pursuing justice for those who can’t stand up for themselves, those who find themselves in danger or desperation, those who are broken and hurting.

Truly, I wish everyone could spend time immersed in this reality. It’s overwhelming, just barely grasping the scope of the lack of education, health, joy, and wholeness that comes with being impoverished. My heart aches as I sit and write about the approximate 63,000 men and women infected with HIV/AIDS in Honduras, or the brutal, lifelong conflicts between Eritrea and Ethiopia. When I think of this poverty of the soul, to use a Corbett/Fikkert term, that is so prevalent among the Majority World, I feel like we’ve gone wrong somewhere in our response to poverty. There’s no way I can neatly sum up this entry, other than to say my attitude has been changed. I know in the past I’ve read the stories, seen the tearjerking CNN photos…and then completely disregarded anything that I saw or heard. We can’t do that! I can’t continue that. The Bible says it pretty well: “If anyone has material possessions and sees [her] brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in [her]?” (1 John 3.17)

I cannot pretend I really understand what it’s like to live in poverty. But I want to be dedicated to trying to learn and understand this thing that gnaws away at our humanity. Lord, let me be someone who gives out of my almost-nothing…let me give until it hurts, let me really and truly grasp the degree to which poverty has robbed my sisters and my brothers around the world.

filled

Okay, confession here: this blog is definitely not my top priority right at the moment. I’ve been so busy at World Vision that I literally haven’t had time to stop and breathe for a minute, let alone think about trying to write about that breath. So here you go, two weeks in one word: Full.

I had the opportunity to spend part of last Wednesday with Robert, World Vision’s church relations guru, who took the time to truly speak into my life. He shook my hand at 11:30, stared at me and promptly asked one question: “What place are you going to fill?” No introduction—just that question. As I blushed and stuttered (and tried to play it off cool), he began to speak seriously about what that meant for him. Question after question, and I quickly realized that Bob is not someone to be taken lightly. He knows the need and knows the obedience living in response to that need requires.

He’s lived a full life already, and wants to see others like me live lives that are full of Christ’s love and purpose, too. After only fifteen minutes at a table with Bob, my notepad was covered in resources for me to research and reminders of why I live the way I do. The top right corner reads, “Where can I find impact working with women, overcoming abuse, stigmatization, and devaluation?”—another corner is Bob’s challenge to me to use the next five years of my life to absolutely catapult from where I’m at now to serving in places I never thought possible. Finally, at the bottom of the page is what he drilled into my head over and over: what place am I going to fill? What needs do I see, and where will I work to change those things? One woman at a time, he challenged me. That’s all it takes. There are holes where few will go, be that talking to a man addicted to cocaine, or maybe in my case, hugging a woman who has been prostituted and dehumanized. There are holes, and they must be filled. In the case of Mordecai and Esther, there was a need for someone to be an advocate for an entire people group, but the reality was that someone else would eventually come along and fill the role…but Esther knew her calling was for that moment, with that group of people. She saw a need and filled it by the grace of God.

So why do I say that I am full? It’s so much more than just being busy or even listening to some really good stories. I’m full of God’s love and His compassion for others, and just waiting to be spilled out, even if on the ground, so that others might know a part of that life too. I am filled and refilled with this new life I’ve been given as I overflow onto others.

“The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy, but I, Jesus, have come that you may have life and have it to the full.” –John 10:10